mixed emotions...

It feels good to be back home, J after almost 15 days aways from my family, I back to my town… it feels good, but at the same time a bit strange, I feel like empty, dislocated, like if something is missing…

Hold on, let get something to eat…  8340677423568 - 945226504

Ok, here am… and as I was saying, im feeling kinda of empty. After coming from this trip, while at the airport I got the feeling of needing my family(wife n kids) waiting for me there, received with a big Hug, and I was sad knowing that was not possible, coz I don’t have a family!!! Its like my time to became a husband has arrived, and I wanna do it right, luv my wife, please her and above all give her a lot of respect…this is one of my priorities for 2013

I know ain´t got much choices, things with D seems a bit grey, I don’t feel her, its like she´s only with me coz she needs from time to time my help($$), I don’t know, and I will confront her about us, I think is time, either for us to move on, or stop here and live our lives alone. K, its another complicated story, she made clear dat having a husband is not part of her plans, so 4get it… im thinkin of H… we´ve been through a lot of shit, but I feel I still care for her, and I don’t wanna keep on playing this fool role, like supporting her($) and in everything she requests…nah, I don’t want dat. When I get a chance I will talk straight 2 her, and see if she wants or not… d rest is nothing.

This journey in BGA was profitable, I able to pay few of my bills, have some pocket cash, and some at d bank…it was really cool, but work wise, i´m not dat confident about this project(Bweza), it’s a big project something dat im sure will change ppls lives, but I don’t know if dats what I want to do. There´s d issue of knowledge of the technology involved on it, which is something I don’t master(lunix and DB), so if I move on its gonna be very tough. My first goal was achieved, which was to have some breath financially, and d help from Fernando was more dan welcome. But now coming home(mom) I don’t feel confortable, I was use to have my space, my small crib with my things(I know I couldn’t afford it no more), but still I need a place to live, I need a car to drive, and right now my Benz dream will be postponed for a while, a small car($10,000 worth) will be more dan enough.

I have d guys from CcP who wants me 2 star working next January the 7^th , but so far I did not have anything written(as well as Bweza no contract yet!!!), so I don’t know how its gonna be.

For now, I will just enjoy this Xmas Season with my family(dad, mom, brothers and rest), and wait 4 d new year…

Ciao…

MK_21.12@9.43p.m

Additional info…

Next week i need to pay to get my house papers ($1,800), pay my Boy´s school, and other stuff, ehi, don’t 4get d iPad of Xary Pi PLEASE!!!

I GOT ENOUGH!!!!

Fucke hell no!!! its enough, D is trying to drive me crazy, and I cant accept dat…man, I´ve been away for 15 fucken days, and she cant make a fucken call using the airtime dat I bought with my fucken money??? Fuck u bitch… I´ll never ever see d color of my money again, NEVER!!!

rising from ashes, like Phoenix...

its easy 2 4get tough  days, but hard 2 go trough... its been a fucken hard year, from belongins to emocional issues, i lived them all, tested all, cried all, but always kept faith that this would go away, just like dark clouds come and go... and here Im, back to a city I´ve been 6 years a go, with a complete different presprective and view, more mature, and confident of myself.

from dat day, that i wal laid at the hospital suffering like hell, crying like a baby, followed by another day with issues with D...here I´m with a new chalenge ahead of me... if this is not what I wanted, defenetely is what I have, and happy with it.

lessons have been learned 4sure... Im going deep on this, and make no mistake, I will succeed...

thank you Lord...

A new Journey

 Woke up early thinking that we still on Friday J it was a cold night, coz i did not have bed clothes enough to comfort me, but it still was a good night. Had few nasty dreams, like D changing me to another guy…well it might be things from my mind, or not… anyway, I won’t stress myself to much with that, coz I have much more important things to focus my mind.

It’s a new beginning, a fresh start for my career, for my future, for my life. Need to catch up, running against time, but not so worry coz things will come naturally. Called K, we spoke a bit, don’t know yet were this will go, in fact if I had to choose between her and D, I´d go for her, as she seems much more mature, and gives me more stability. Although I feel in luv with D.

Juliao still sleeps, and Im on my bed, listening to Norah Jones, letting my mind fly.

Good morning Benguela------

8.12.12

xmass

4 weeks to xmass, 4 weeks 4 things to change...if I was doubt now I´m sure that 2012 will remain as d hardest one of my life... I´ve lost during this year, my job, my car(i miss u), my bike, and seems like I´ll lose also my girl... hehehe what else can i ask? Bad luck??? nah... Im d only responsible of all this mess dat my life became, bad decisions, bad moves, a lot of bulshit, and now Im paying d price, one thing 4 sure I´ve learned is 2 never walk withou a plan B...
I´m looking forward 4 d end of Year, and start fresh for 2013. nothing lasts 4ever, and I know this pain will END...coz I´ve paid already my debts.

47 OF 52

and here Im, facing another unknow week, not having a clue how its gonna flow, what´s gonna happen, but full of hope, hope 4 better things, hope for a change, hope to keep d hope up, and not down... d weekend was cool, not much thing to share, glad for the great victory of LH...
got to start packing my stuff to move from here...

VA_191112
@757am

nEver give uP...NEVER!!!

this one is 4 my faith, I dont lose it... i keep it up, coz i trust in God, n i know He Wont let me down...although facing tough times, I know d best iz still 2 come... 10x Pai

aNother step towards new pagE oF mYliFe

went 2day 2 d interview @ CncPhillips, small office but with big project as they hold blocks 36 & 37 4 d oil and gaz business. according to him they r moving to Kimpa Vita Building in 2013. it went all okay, now i just hve to wait 4 deir call.

thanks Lord

VA_11.14.12

vendo as horas a passarem...

5.55pm another day passing by. its hard to stay home all day doing shit. my meeting at CCP is scheduled for 2morrow. I must confess dat Im tired of all this. Tired of staying home, tired of losing my things, and slowly losing my autoestima...
i dont know how, or what else to do...Im feeling so powerless...ohhh Lord, pls help me...

i love daise, but I know Im losing her, and its even more painfull when i know theres none i can do 2 change things...


bRooklyn

VA131112

uPs n dOwns...

7.07am, another day, another tough day, full of hope, dreams, all based on a bright future. its been a long time since i woke from bed at this time and went 2 work...of God i miss dat...
i woke up with mixed feelings, feeling impotente, vejo-me a perder a unica pessoa k d momento me faz sentir feliz, a unica pessoa k d momente me transmite alegria. n tenho conseguido cumprir o meu papel d namorado, e todos os dias sinto k a kker mmento ela vai desistir d mim(e n serei eu a sensura-la). entendo mto bem as suas frustraçoes. sei k neste mmento é um trabalho k preciso.
notei k o email enviado pela swift tem as datas trocadas, diz quartafeira 13, mas hoje é terceirafeira 13... i nid to 2chk dis.
if its 2days, i just hope it all goes well @ ConocoPhilips...

VA_13.11.12@713am

bRooklyn...

diPanda...11Novembro...

extended weekend, while many pple went travelling, other to the beach, I had to stay home, jobless, carless, bikeless, less less less... many thoughts came up to my mind, reminding me about many things back on my past. Pensei acerca d mtas decisoes erradas k tive na vida, mtas vezes movido p emoçoes, decisoes k hje sinto terem sido tremendamente ERRADAS...custou-me a mulher(xu), Ive lost my car, my bike, coz I wasnt smart enough to think that I had 2 get rid of VA place, and now Im here facing one of hardest days of my life...
Im trying hard, d only thing left is my crib, and Im holding strong not 2 sell it, and I dont wanna do it...
After weeks of frustrations, something came up to boost up my mood. Got a call from swift 4 d interview with CPhilips....already had one with BV, and as always it went gud, they r about 2 call me around this week... anything will be blessing 4 me, coz all i nid is a JOB...

bRooklyn
VA_12.11.12@11.54pm